It's not that simple! Or is it?

It's dark outside. I'm laying in bed. The matress has a gap on the left side. Normally this is not something I have to worry about, but tonight Darian sleeps on "my" side of the bed.

I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.

For days now I have the feeling that I want to write something. That I want to be creative. A need for producing something of true meaning. Or just something. I can settle for that as well.

Maar het lukt niet.

Everytime I find something else. Coming up with the perfect squad for the Dutch national football team. Watching one of the series I downloaded from Netflix when I actually had proper connection. Watching one of the series Darian downloaded. Listening to music. Making awesome photo's of the sunset. Or thinking about my life in a couple of months when I'm back home.

Maar het schrijven stel ik steeds maar weer uit.

It is confusing. On the one hand I really want to tell a story. Bring one of my many memories to you guys. Feeling joyful while writing and proud when finishing. But on the other hand there is a barrier. A barrier to start, to find the words, to not give up as soon as I start struggling, to not get frustrated when is can't find the proper engelish words for my feelings and thoughts.

It's weird actually. Feeling all this. The struggle when I'm literally free to do whatever I want. No obligations, no have to's, no nothing. And yet still struggling. Sounds a bit spoiled doesn't it?

Well, that's not what it feels like.

I'm so free that there are a thousand thoughts in my head. I see a movie and I really feel my passion for acting coming up. I think about the fact that as soon as I am back home I want to apply for some theater club or something. I see a guy play guitar on the street and I think about the pink guitar in the back of the car that's been untouched for about three months now. I get overtaken by a running guy and I think about my sport, atlehics, and how I want to start training again at my old club when I get back home. I see an awesome interieur of a house and I think about my own place. The place I want to create when I'm back home. I see a couple strolling over the beach, their feet getting wet by the incoming and outgoing water and I think about you. I hear people I meet talking about their travels in Asia and New Zealand and I think of the awesome things ahead of me.

Soms is het gewoon te veel. Te veel ruimte om te denken. Te veel tijd om te verlangen. Zoveel tijd dat je het "nu" vergeet. Het maakt de landing soms alleen maar pijnlijker. Nee, confronterender.

Every idea or thought that pops up in my mind is yet to be produced. It's not there I still have to do something for it to achieve it. I have to take action, put effort into it. Do it. Make it happen. Shape it. Take it into my own hands and make it work.

But I can't do it all at the same time. I can't even do all of it. I have to be patient. Choose. Fail. Succeed. Make memories. Create. And hopefully in the end look back and feel satisfied.

But above all I just have to try. Start and see what happens. One at a time. And you'll see before I know it I did it.

It just started raining. A car pulled up next to us, checked the campsite and left. I'm still tired, but I think I'm actually able to fall asleep now. I feel satisfaction. One thought, one idea is brought into practice, the blog is finally written. I can now face the rest... tomorrow morning. For now a sweet dream is all I want.

Welterusten

Kai