For myself, finally!

English or Dutch? Engels of Nederlands? Ik zit op mijn bed, de airco loeit op de achtergrond. Zelfs door mijn muziek heen kan ik het gezoem van deze gouden uitvinding horen. Vrije dag nummer drie is zo’n vier uur oud. De derde in bijna vijf weken. Zwaar? Afzien? Lijden? Verkeerde keuze? Absoluut niet. Een nieuw en uitdagend hoofdstuk in het avontuur dat mijn reis tot nu toe is. Elke ervaring bijdragend aan hetgeen ik meemaak. Verkennen. “Exploring” zoals de Engelsen het naar mijn mening mooier en mysterieuzer formuleren. Engels of Nederlands? English or Dutch? The answer to these questions is…

Five weeks now. Five weeks I’ve spend at Shamrock Gardens, a watermelon farm 1,5 hours south of Broome. At first when I arrived in Broome the idea of getting a job, planted in our/my minds/mind by Carolyn because she wanted to keep our travelling group together, scared me. I left home, the Netherlands, to get away from the daily obligations. No more appointments in my agenda, no more I have to’s”, no more alarms, no more stress about leading a team and getting results, no more anything. And there I was in a small town in the north west of Australia thinking about getting back into this rhythm of working, waking up early and obligations given to me by other people. And strangely it felt tempting. Tempting because of the money I could make. Money that would give me the opportunity to travel without any financial worries till the date that I had decide would be my “coming home” date. An experience that would stay with me for the rest of my life, working in another country than home, communicating in a language that is familiar to me but not at all my own and meeting new people who could add an unique chapter to my traveling memories that would stay with me for the rest of my life.

Pushed by Jack and Carolyn I started to update and translate my resume, printing it out at the library in Broome, take a whole day to apply at places that seemed to have a friendly working environment and make calls to the places after three days without any getting backs. In short, finding work seemed not as easy as everybody told us. Broome was going into wet season, tourists were leaving the town and heat and humidity were increasing. The job hunt seemed fruitless in these conditions.

Although, you just red that I am sitting on my bed in an air-conditioned room on my third day off at a watermelon farm in a place you could call the middle of nowhere. Why? Because in the end I am the kind of guy that almost never lacks the discipline to finish what I’ve started. Once a job hunt becomes real I will get a facking job, although the feeling of my freedom being taken away by bosses and obligations still scared me a little bit. 

Gumtree in the end appeared to be my saving angel (I love to translate Dutch sayings so get used to it). After the debacle of the pumpkin farm where I started working with Stef, a very low pumpkin price made us lose our job at the farm after three days, I took faith into my own hands and hunted every job opportunity for four hours. The somewhat sketchy add on Gumtree from Orla (one of the managers at Shamrock) turned out to be my golden ticket and three days after our “sacking” I was sitting in a car next to a German guy named Seb, on my way to the middle of nowhere and leaving behind my dear travel friends.

So that was that. IF my blogs always turned out to be little updates about what I am doing on this trip this would be the and. Everybody who reads my blogs more often and who knows me in person knows that I’m am far away of finishing this blog. So there you’ll have it. Update is done, the “and then” story is over, let’s start with the deeper thoughts and subjects that are usual in my blogs. 

Starting with “saying goodbye”. Almost half a year ago (yes, it is already that long) I said goodbye to my dearest friends and family. Tadek, Liam and Dieter. Anne and Myke my cousins. And of course my older brother and mam and dad. The last hug with all of them still makes me feel a little bit shaky. Until the last moment I waved and smiled, not realising completely what was about to happen. Taken by the excitement of a long adventure a plane took me from them to a country far away and left them in their day to day lives. Me without them, but with all those new experiences. Them with their jobs, school and appointments, but without me. No wonder that the feeling of really realising what happened during that goodbye moment was more real to them than it was to me. 

Almost half a year later on Friday the 23th of September the feelings of saying goodbye, the memories of that moment at Schiphol and the realisation of leaving loved people behind finally kicked in. My travel friends Stef, for the whole trip so far, Jack, after our peaceful month in Cairns, Carolyn, after the moment she couldn’t find her kitchen labels in the hostel in Darwin and even Tegan and Michel, who I met two weeks before I left for the farm. They made me all of a certain realise the true feelings of saying goodbye. They took me back to reality for a moment, made me think about my whole trip and the sacrifice I made when I left everything and everybody that I had back home behind. 

In that car next to Sep, just before I started my backpackers routine of telling him what I did so far, where I was from, asking him the same and start a new adventure, just before that moment for a minute I felt a little bit lost. In the positive way of the meaning of this word. Lost, because I finally felt the impact of my trip, the impact of my goodbye, the impact that my closest friend and my own family must have felt when they saw me disappear behind the immigration desk at Schiphol Airport. The impact of letting go and picking up your own old/new life, accepting the facts that just happened and embracing your life as it is. 

And to be truly honest, it made me enjoy my trip even more. I spoke about this feeling with a couple of these people who were there at the airport and with other good friends of mine who couldn’t be there in person, via Skype. They all lived there live, without me there. I lived and live my new life without them here. And it is all good. Don’t get me wrong. It is not that I was thinking that they couldn’t make it without me, that I am the one thing that is keeping their lives together, not at all. But it is a relief for me to see that they are doing well without me and that I am doing well without them. It actually makes me enjoy my journey even more. I can let them go and I know they can let me go. I only have to worry about myself instead of also have to worry about them, as I normally did when I was around them. I could finally just do stuff for me and feel happy about it. 

Obviously this subject went way to deep to talk about with Sep, who I just met, so I started my routine, gathered all the energy I had to be social and not to go to sleep (first impressions are everything) and even when we arrived in the camp after sunset, with a long day of shopping and packing behind me I managed to chat, introduce and joke the hell out of myself to present them “Kai”. My new adventure had started, a chapter of saying goodbye and all the feelings coming with that was closed in a better way than I could have ever imagined and a successful first night at the watermelon farm was a fact. Things were good.

And they still are. In the end I have to admit that I secretly like the working rhythm that I fled when I left home. I’ve always been a fan of discipline and challenges and although I wanted to get rid off them I embrace them right now also because it gives me the freedom to travel and experience what ever I want after the job is done. One month in and roughly one month to go. Still making memories, although in a different way then when I was road tripping (my alarm was never set before 6 am, now it rings at 3:55!), getting a fine tan in an enjoyable 43 degrees, making twelve hour days, getting more muscled than I think I have ever been, earning the money that I need, meeting and making new friend and most of all doing what I want. 

For the first time ever I am finally doing what Kai wants, without weighing pro’s and con’s, without having to pay attention to what others want of me. I am living for myself now and that is the most valuable, unexpected thing so far on this trip. A true victory on myself!

Cheers, Kai

P.s.: I will post this blog as soon as I have a proper WIFI connection approximately in a month. Until then I will think of all of you guys and of course miss you. A special note for a couple of people in this after sections. 

Dad, every off day I’m watching Midsummer Murders. I like these kind of slow detectives and I would have never developed this weird kind of taste if it wasn’t for you. I think I was twelve when I first watched one of these 2 hour detectives with you and a habit was born. Maybe for you it wasn’t that obvious, but apart from sports, Ilse de Lange cd’s, Fleetwood Mac and Radio 4 in the morning this is one of the things that makes me feel closer to you.

Dieter, the television here has every channel you can imagine. Cycling and soccer (the real football) are shown. I watch both of them the day after they have been broadcasted in the Netherlands, due to the time difference, both because I love sports but also because watching them reminds me of these moment together with you, lazy on the couch or “actively” playing FIFA. 

Tadek, yesterday I red you went to the USA. We talked about it. Maybe I am wrong, but I think it is a leap of faith for you. You are going out of your comfort zone and it makes me so happy you did. When I talked earlier on in this blog about letting go of people knowing that they didn’t need me and speaking of that as a good thing this was one of the things I mend. The news of your new adventure is maybe one of the best things that I have heard on my trip. You being on a journey, an adventure, makes me feel closer to you. 

Roman, yesterday I spoke to you. Not in the way you wanted, I had to decline your what’s app call for the twentieth time in my life (maybe more). We also didn’t speak to each other via Skype, as I did with a lot of my close friends and family. But I, and I secretly think we, both know that this doesn’t matter. The friendship we have is not build on real life conversations, although we could have had more of them I have to admit that. The friendship is build on the fact that we can live our own lives and do what we want the most, as we are doing right now, knowing that when we see each other we just continue where we have left the last time.

Mom, although I haven’t had connection in a month (apart from the hour yesterday) my phone still shows a reminder of our last Wordfeud game. I can easily swipe it away, but for some reason it’s makes me feel closer to you. And of course, I have to thank you for the fact that I can peacefully do nothing on my days off without feeling guilty about it. That is a gift I have to thank you for.  

Brother, Ward, everyday I spend here actually reminds me off you. We differ a lot in what we look like and sometimes also in how we act, but every conversation, when I hear myself speak I realize how much I look like you or maybe it is better to say “how much I learned from you as an older brother.” It is hard to explain, but I think I can explain it the best by giving you the next example: back home I always saw you act as who you were. I saw you buy fancy shoes and cloths I thought I would never wear, I heard you speak with words I thought I would never use and I saw you chose your live steps thinking I would never take them like you did. But in the end when I reached your age and saw myself in the mirror and as an image that other people had of me, I was you. Still with my own touch, but together with all the things of you. And I like it. It makes me feel close to you.

And in the end to all the others that are out there. Although I am finally living for myself now, doing what I want and actually enjoying the fact that I don’t have connection and can purely live in the here and now (dutch saying, love it!), I think about you guys. Home will always be home and certain events, memories I make or people I meet, will remind me of each one of you. Never feel too afraid or interrupting to text or message me when you want to speak to me. What ever I see here or do here, I always want to stay in touch with the people that are already part of my live and nothing that you will tell me is too “boring” or “daily” or whatever. Remember that.

Okay, that’s enough sentiment and deep thoughts, Kai out!

Wait! One last thing. Hopefully my English was not too bad. Thing is although there are Dutchies on the farm I am speaking English 24/7. Writing in Dutch didn’t feel that naturally to me as it did when I was writing blogs before. I wanted to express myself in English, because only then I could describe my raw and pure thoughts the right way. The grammar on the other hand, I think, is a mess some times, but hopefully that didn’t distract you guys of the message of this blog. 

Kai out! For real this time